Homesick... but how?

I just wanna go back home to a husband and my kids.

Baby Bunching-Bunching has been making eerie appeals lately. I told my mom. Of course, she wasn't too glad about it. No question about my wanting for us to be a family again. Who doesn't want their kids to have complete parents? But he's not exerting every effort possible for us to go back home to him. Nevertheless, I was already willing to exert every effort possible for us to go back home to him.

I fell asleep... and then, it struck me hard. REALLY hard. He's just gonna go with the flow. If we go back home to him, fine. If we DON'T, it will also be fine with him. I WAS the only one not fine about it. Marky will be fine without his dad... at least, for now.

The game plan? We WON'T go home unless he comes to fetch us. I'll wait... even if it takes forever. If Marky goes to school and he's still not fetching us, then maybe I'll just call or text him to attend those events where dads might need to attend. I just really wanna make sure that he REALLY loves me. So tired of the days when I was the blind lady doing everything for him. Guess he needs to prove that he REALLY WANTED us to be family. I'm so tired to just be present because I was with the flow. What if I wasn't? Would he go against the flow? Would he go through uncharted waters just for me?

I know when he gets to read this, he'll think that I don't understand him AGAIN. He'll think my mom is brainwashing me or anything. But no... nobody's telling me what to do this time. Remember, my mom got angered when I told her I wanna go back home to him? But this time, I don't care who's gonna get mad... I'm just gonna swallow my own damned pride and feelings....

So, what do I really want to happen? Here goes:

> I want us to be a family again, with our own abode, with our own means
> BUT, he needs to prove that he also wants us to be a family again, by all means
> No matter how long it takes, imma wait for him. If he fetches us, no matter what the circumstance, we'll go with him.
> If he doesn't fetch us, then it's time to focus on building a brand new home for me and my sons (yes, even that little angel we have in heaven). I don't wanna live forever in my childhood abode. I want to someday have a home where there's only me and Marky (and Cyrus), where I can cook the meals like I used to, where stuff will be organized as I want them to be organized, and where we'll follow schedules as I want them to be followed.
> Then, there's hoping that when we finally get to live in our own home, he will follow suit (he'll always be the dad of my kids and the man I'll love forever, after all)

So help me, God.