Major OUCH.

Nasa lugar ba ako? Siguro wala. Pero ito lang ang nararamdaman ko. Gusto ko lang ilabas. Actually, kung meron lang ako kaninang ballpen 'tsaka papel, kanina ko pa nailabas. Pero hindi ko 'yun nagawa. Pinilit ko na lang umuwi ng maaga pagkasimba ko, nag-ayos kaunti, ganun pa rin... at nag-log on.

Ako: Hindi mo ba ako pwedeng samahan mag-Mass?
Ito: Hindi kita pinipigilang magsimba. Pero uuwi na ako.

Sa bagay. Masakit ang ulo niya. At pagod siya. At... sa maraming dahilan. Ayoko na mag-usisa. Naiiyak na kasi ako nun.

So, sumakay na nga ako ng jeep. Tinignan siya habang paalis. Nakatingin din naman siya. Pero hindi na rin niya siguro nakita na unti-unti nang tumutulo ang mga luha ko nun....

Hindi ko alam, pero kasi... nasasaktan ako. Ewan ko ba. I felt rejected. Pero alam ko, wala naman talaga akong laban. Masama pakiramdam niya. Kasama niya kapatid niya, at hinihintay na siya. Wala lang. Wala akong magawa.

Bumili ulit ako ng kape. Dalawang sachet. Mamaya, iinumin ko. Pero hindi na makakapaghintay ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Kailangan, now na 'yung cure. Dalawang "solusyon" ang naisip ko: uminom o mag-ice cream sa Ministop. Uminom? Nah, it's not like me. Mag-ice cream? Oh yes, usually a quality cone of ice cream cheers me up. And yes, kapag naglalakad ako mula FCM hanggang simbahan, in a weird way, nare-relieve ako ro'n. So I decided to take the latter, maglakad at mag-ice cream. Habang naglalakad ako, shit, hindi pa rin naiwasan ng puso ko na mag-emo. At parang gago lang, muntik pa akong mapa'no ng 'di oras dahil may lalaking nanlilisik ang mata na mukha (at amoy) lasing ang bigla na lang nag-"hi" at sumunod sa 'kin. Buti na lang, may ilaw pa ang streetlights (pumapatay kasi 'yun 'pag 7pm, ewan ko kung bakit), kaya ang ginawa ko, tyumempo ako na maraming sasakyan at saka ako tumawid. Buti na lang, parang na-distract pa 'ata 'yung gago, sinigawan pa ng mga sasakyan na muntik na siyang mabangga (sana tinuluyan niyo na!). Ayun. Nung naka-sure na 'ko na wala na ang kumag, tumawid na ulit ako. Sa eksenang 'yun, medyo na-divert ang atensyon ko sa kaba dahil nga sa gagong stalker na 'yun. Pero nung tumawid ako, parang may bad vibes... tumulo na naman ulit ang luha sa aking mga mata. Tumawid na naman ako, sa pag-aakalang nasa side ng kalsada ang dahilan kung bakit ako napapa-emo. Nakakainis, kasi wala pa rin... ganun pa rin. Promise talaga, kung nandun lang kayo, iisipin niyo may kung anuman akong iniiwasan o may topak lang ako.

So, nakarating ako ng Dahlia na parang... wala lang, mugto ang mga mata ko. Buti na lang, naka-cap ako. So... tumungo akong Ministop para mag-sundae. Ayun. Parang balik lang sa pagkabata... I ate it like a kid, pero hindi marumi. Hehe. Nakarating akong church, nag-a-ice cream pa rin. Pero lalo lang sumakit 'yung nararamdaman ko. Buti na lang madilim, hindi napansin ng mga nakasalubong ko at naka-"hello" ko na namumugto ang mga mata ko.

Misa. 'Yung lighting sa loob ng simbahan is parang rosy ang dating, so mukhang mugto ang mata ng lahat. Thank heavens. Tinry kong mag-concentrate sa pagsisimba. Somehow, it worked, kasi medyo OK ako pagkatapos. Pero nung nakasakay na ako ng trike, shit, ayan na naman. Hahay.

Naglakad ako. Galing kanto namin hanggang sa bahay. Somehow, umaasa ako na tumitingin din siya sa mga bituin na tinitingnan ko. Huwaaahhh, emo. Pero... ewan ko ba.

Sana....

Wala lang.

Hay.

Ano ba?

Ewan.

'Di ko maintindihan sarili ko.

Ang gusto ko talaga? Magparamdam ka naman sa kahit anong paraan kapag may chance ka. Hinahanap ko 'yun palagi. Kabit isang PM lang sa YM. O reply sa messages ko wherever. Kahit isa lang. Alam ko this is freakin' meager. Pero hinahanap-hanap ko 'yun.

Gusto kong makasama ka ng mas matagal. Pero ano nga naman kasi ang laban ko? Wala naman akong karapatan, kasi kapatid mo na 'yun.

Nasasaktan ako.

Hindi ko alam kung nasa lugar ako para maramdaman ito.

Pero wala akong magawa....

Kasi ito talaga ang nararamdaman ko.

Hay. Kakayod na nga lang muna ako.

Kahit ang mga luha ay tumutulo pa rin.

Kaunting kape lang katapat n'yan.

Hehehehe.

Tagay na.

Kasi, ang mahal ko....

Hindi ko masolo.

Hahaha.

Pathetic.

Buwisit na puso 'to.

If You Only Knew

I give you anything everything
If you would be mine
I give you stars above and all my love

* How can you be so blind, so blind
I'm going up my mind
All the time for you
Yes it's true

Refr. If you only knew that I'm crazy for you
then you'll understand
If I only knew what's you're goin' through
then I'll understand

Now I know that I have no chance
Oh... to make your mind
But if I own the world
Would you be my (man)

I love you, Kris......
Kailan ba kita pwedeng mahalin na wala nang magagalit dahil mahal kita?
Magagawa ko bang pigilan ang nararamdaman ko para sa 'yo....
Kung seryosong oras-oras, minu-minuto, hindi ko maiwasang maisip ka....
Kung seryosong tuwing makakakita ako ng iba, bigla na lang sasagi sa isipan ko na iba ka talaga....
Kung seryosong sa tuwing maiisip kita, grabe ang pagtibok ng puso ko....
Kung sa tuwing tumitibok ang puso ko, laging nabubuksan ang aking mga mata sa hinaharap....
Sa isang hinaharap kasama ka....
Sa kabila ng lahat ng mga pagsubok, 'andito pa rin ako para sa 'yo.
Mahal na mahal kita....

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through
Tonight
And if my heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you, baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much
Tonight
If it’s just infatuation then
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I’d never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you

Why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Lovers lost in sweet desire
Why in dreams do I surrender
Like a little baby
Someone help explain this feeling
Someone tell me..........

All About Goals

Had the blessed opportunity to engage in chitchat with my dearest earlier... made me envious yet proud to have a loved one who knows his place in the world, who knows where he's headed to, and whose life is not that dead-ended such as mine.

Makes me wanna wonder, once more, kung ano ba talaga ang gusto kong mangyari sa life ko. What do I wanna be able to do? What do I wanna accomplish? Where I am headed in the next five years?

Why all the fuss?, you may ask. You see, five years ago, when I was still a college student, I had a really clear vision of what I want to be in the next five years. I know my place in the world, I know where I'm at, and I know where I'll be in the next five years. And yes, dumating na nga ang five years na 'yun. Ang hindi ko lang inexpect, sa sobrang dami ng mga biglang nangyari, hindi ako nakapag-vision-mission planning sa susunod na namang five years dahil sa pagkawindang-ever ko. Kaya heto ako ngayon, nangangapa... at nangangamba, dahil saka ko na-realize na ang next-five-years life planning pala ay mas importante ngayon na done na ako with school. Ang difference kasi kapag nasa school ka pa, at least, may nakalatag na talagang plan para sa 'yo, dahil anyway, wala ka namang ibang gagawin kundi mag-aral talaga. Sumunod sa utos ng iyong mga magulang. Sumali ng extracurricular activities kung hilig mo. Mag-take ka ng summer o part-time job kung hindi kaya ng parents mo na pag-aralin ka. Pero bottom line is, specific lang talaga ang goal mo: ang malaman kung ano ang gusto mong maging paglaki mo, ang makatapos ng pag-aaral, at makita ang katuparan ng gusto mong maging paglaki mo.

Heto ang sinasabi ko. 'Yung point na dumating na sa katuparan 'yung gusto mong maging paglaki mo. Dumating na ako sa puntong iyon. Dumating na ako sa puntong nakikita ko na sa sarili ko kung ano 'yung gusto kong maging paglaki ko, at masaya na sana ako... kung hindi lang dumating ang samu't saring mga pagsubok. Maraming times na nagtatanong ako, bakit nga ba nangyayari sa akin ang lahat ng mga ito? Ngayon ko unti-unting nare-realize (at marami pa akong realizations na dapat malaman) na nangyayari ang lahat ng ito hindi talaga dahil hinayaan ko ang mga itong mangyari (although may mga pagkakataon na oo, hinayaan ko talagang mangyari... pero generally ngayon, that is), kundi dahil all these things are INEVITABLE. Ang nakakainis lang, alam ko naman noon pa man na inevitable ang mga bagay na ito noon pa man, pero hindi pa rin ako nakapag-isip ng mitigating measures para in case na mangyari ang mga ito, ready na ako. Pero ayun, siguro ganun talaga. Anyway, hindi naman talaga ako sinanay sa aking paglaki kung ano talaga ang gagawin ko sa mga ganitong bagay. I've always been in a guessing game. I wanna ask, kaya lang kasi, whenever I ask, lagi lang akong nadi-disappoint, kasi although may encouragements, alam niyo 'yun... parang lagi pa rin talagang lamang ang mga OK-hindi-mo-pwedeng-gawin-'yan-ito-ang-dapat-mong-gawin-kung-hindi-mali-ka ek-ek. OK lang sana talaga kung isa, dalawang beses lang sa isang sitwasyon... kaya lang, kung all the way na lang ganun, parang... ano ba? Mabubuhay na lang ba ako habambuhay na sumusunod sa utos? O sa "suggestion," dahil iyon ang tawag nila ro'n (na kapag hindi mo sinunod, takwil ka na, menos trust na sa 'yo for life)?

Pagod na akong mabuhay na pilit akong gumagawa ng mga hakbang para ako mag-grow, pero lagi akong may takot dahil hindi papabor sa ilan. Gusto kong mag-try ng something new. Gusto kong magpakarebelde, maging aktibista, pero in the constructive kind of way. Kasi alam ko, kaya ko naman. At alam din naman nila na kaya ko. Pero bakit tuwing nagsasabi ako, para bang lagi na lang mali, laging huwag? Eh 'yun naman ang ginagawa ko sa mga pagkakataong nagkaka-shining moments ako in life? 'Di ko lang sinasabi kasi alam ko na, matatakot na naman ako.

So, let's zero in. Ano ba ang gusto ko talaga? Here goes:

* Gusto ko talagang ma-experience na bumukod. Kahit start muna sa rent ng bahay o kwarto... basta my own personal space. Kasama ko si Eds. May options na akong nakita. Alam ko, magiging magastos. At mas mahirap. Bukod sa magbabayad ako for my own place and stuff, ako kikilos lahat, tapos magbibigay pa ako for the family. Pero kakayanin. Alam kong kaya kong bumukod. Kasi nagagawa ko na 'yun.

* Gusto ko ng laptop, para madadala ko sa aking paupahang tahanan o kaya madadala ko kung saan man kapag gusto ko ng bagong working environment. Siguro uunahin ko ang pag-aambisyon dito. :)

* Gusto kong magpatuloy sa pagsusulat. Masaya ako sa ginagawa ko ngayon. Sumusulat ng balita na pang-madaling araw, tapos gumagawa ng web content articles, at tumatanggap ng commissioned work. Alam ko, ayaw dito ng parents ko, pero gusto kong walang magbawal sa akin dito dahil passion ko ito. Gusto kong lumago pa ang aking web writing business.

* Gusto ko ng matabang bank accounts. Ipinapangako ko na sa susunod na taon, talagang kahit na anong mangyari, hihindi na ako kung kailangan para lang makapagtabi ako ng maski limandaang piso lang sa bawat sweldo ko. Iba na talaga kasi ang may naitatabi.

* Gusto ko nang mabili ng bagong fridge ang aking family. At tumulong para matupad na ang minimithing family business ni Mama. Gusto ko rin na may maitulong para sa pag-aaral ni Toto.

* (Edited) Just to add... pero hindi necessarily in the next five years ko ito gustong mangyari (forever can wait, 'ika nga), kung magpapakasal, mag-aasawa, magpapamilya man ako... gusto ko sa kanya. Oo, alam niyo na siguro. Sa nag-iisa kong mahal.

Ayun muna sa ngayon. :)

Sige, kainan na. =)

Day Completed

... but all tasks are not yet accomplished.

Anyway, I'm tired already. Guess I'll just speak about my life aspirations tomorrow na lang.

Sayang naman. Nasa mood na 'ko kanina. Next time, alam ko na... kapag gusto kong mag-blog ng ganung mga bagay, uunahin ko na lang muna 'yun. Sa bagay, pang-re-energize nga naman 'yun.

Hay buhay. Parang life. In Italiano, e la vita. Ahahaha.

'Til next. =)

MARYAN'S GONNA SNOOZE NA. (",)

There's Something About Today's Horoscopes

I've been checking out my Friendster some time this afternoon when I found this:

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

The Bottom Line

Your imagination knows no bounds -- come up with a plan for you and your sweetie.

In Detail

Your imagination knows no bounds right now, so it's a very good day to come up a plan for winning over your crush -- or solidifying things with your sweetie. Give it a few minutes of thought, and you'll be able to craft an unforgettably sweet and fun experience for the two of you to share. It goes without saying that dinner and a movie is out -- think about what you two like to do most and an idea is sure to pop in your head eventually. Just give it time.

Oh yes, I do read horoscopes. Not that I really believe in them or I allow them to rule over what's gonna happen in my life. It's just that sometimes, they can be entertaining and when they do come true, especially if they're all good vibes, then that's cause for a celebration. =)

My dearest is a Sagittarius. I am a Virgo. If you wanna check out my horoscope for the day, it's in my Multiply. On the other hand, his horoscope really titillated me for quite some time. What would he do for me today? What COULD he do for me today?

If he were to ask me what I want him to do for me? Wala lang talaga. Just be there for me. And talk to me. Tell me you love me. Let's share with each other our aspirations in life. Tell me you need me and that I'm with your life plans. Just that, and you're gonna make me the happiest woman in the world, at least for a day.

So, what happened? Hours later, I suddenly received an IM via Yahoo! Messenger. It's him! Well, it isn't unusual, but I dunno why that IM just felt so special during that time. Wala lang, we just chatted, and yes, he did share his aspirations, I shared mine, we shared jokes, experiences for the day, what we wanna do in the future, our not-yet-plotted plans for the next five years, and so on. And yes, he made me feel that he needs me. And yes, he told me he loves me. Three times.

Now, here's the question: Am I happy? I'll answer through another question: Isn't it obvious???

Alam kong hindi pa nagtatapos dito ang lahat. Pero ngayon palang, ito na ang masasabi ko:

Salamat, aking mahal.

I Want This Day To Be Better

Yesterday was a Tuesday, and yeah, Tuesday is usually my hell day, so I'm not surprised that it turned out all shitty right then and there. Now, it's a Wednesday, and while Wednesdays aren't usually my glory days, I'm determined, at least at this very hour, to make this Wednesday a better day than yesterday.

So, how's it faring so far? Actually, the start of the day's already threatened to make this day even more crappy than yesterday. And it's all because of the damn gasoline allowance thing. My brother asked me for money to fill up the gas tank, and I kinda kidded around that my money's in my other bag (which is true, anyway... my bigger loot's in my rather "ornate" shoulder bag, which rests in all its majestic glory in my bedroom). Truth is, I just don't wanna go back any more 'cause it's 3:45 am already and I'm supposed to be at the office before 4 am. I actually hate being later than 4am because it's the hour when work starts rushing in. At least, when I log in before 4 am, I still have time to linger for even just a minute, check carefully through my stuff and all.

So, back to the gas money thing. When I said my money's in my other bag, my really bratty brother ('cause he really IS bratty) went back to bed, stomping his feet along the way. I had to ask dad to call the rascal back. And yes, when he's back, it's already 3:55 am.

OK, OK, I should've forgiven the circumstances. But my brother did not stop ranting about how I'm so much "sinuswerte" to have service to work and how I should be giving "without questions" since I'm the one who's "sinuswerte nga naman." You know, that whole "sumbat" thing. It really got on my nerves. In the first place, I DIDN'T want to be fetched to work. When I was in college, I could even get up earlier and take public transport to places such as Divisoria, Cubao, and Quiapo, without being beaten or killed the slightest bit. Add to that the fact that this whole fetching thing is just TOO EXPENSIVE... I mean, I could save at least P30 a day if I just commute. P30 a day, or P150 a week, could already go a long way.

So, what did I do? I grabbed all the bills I have in my wallet and threw it on the floor of our owner-type vehicle all the way to my office. Then, as I was about to alight, I picked them up, alighted from the vehicle, and shoved the bills to dad. Then, I said, "Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna commute."

I haven't told Mom yet. But I hope she'd just succumb. I'm getting fed up with all this bullshit about money. Especially when it threatens to ruin my day.

Another thing: this morning, I spewed out phlegm on to the toilet bowl and, guess what? It's got little specks of blood on it. :o That's when I decided I really need to do something to get better. Our play's less than two weeks away. Plus, there's this marathon thing on Sunday that I'm not even sure if I can really manage to go to because I'm short of budget and of course of good health. And, there's Music Min practice on Sunday, critic night on Thursday, more work for the coming days. Omigosh.

So, right now, I have here a jug of water which I intend to empty, because water therapy's the best way, I guess, to cure myself. And yes, I'm just gonna blog. And Plurk. And write. Nothing feels better than writing all the stuff that I don't wanna merely get shelved into oblivion.

So help me God.

The Love I Have For You....

... is so much profound.

Grabe. I just can't explain it in words.

But as a writer, words are really all I have to express how I feel about him.

And right now, I'm at a loss for words.

I MISS HIM.

I just really do.

Every night, I cling on to his picture, hoping he was here.

Call it desperate, obsessive love.

But the point is this:

It was love.

It IS love.

It may be wrong....

But all I know is that I really LOVE him.

It's not that I want to coerce him to love me, too.

It's just that I have this strange feeling that as long as I stay with him, everything will be OK.

It's just that I can't help but think about him every single minute of every single day.

It's just that I wanna do EVERYTHING to make him happy.

Because when he's happy, I'm even happier.

When he's sad, my whole world falls apart as well.

He is basically me.

He defines my life.

That's scary.

But that's reality.

I'm so hopelessly in love....

WITH YOU.

I love you, Kris....