Pamamaalam (Part III-Annex)

* preferring to post this first before the actual blog entry. No "reasonable reason," just that this one's easier. :)


This song I sang for Cyrus before my last kiss for him. When he gave me his last look and smile, I sang this again for him. That, until he breathed his last and the docs and nurses came rushing in to try to revive him. 


I love you, son. :)

Credits go to Ultimate Guitar

´I Live My Life For You´
Firehouse

                           G
You know you're everything to me
       Em                              Am     C       D
And I could never see, the two of us apart
                  G
And you know I give myself to you
             Em                             Am         C              D
And no matter what you do, I promise you my heart

        C                       G                       Am               D
I've built my world around you and I want you to know
   C                            G                   Am          D
I need you, like I've never needed anyone before

G  D       C          D         
I live my life for you
               C                 G                Am                 D
I want to be by your side in everything that you do
                        G            D                       Am        C
And if there's only one thing you can believe is true
Am C     D         G      C D
I live my life for you

           G 
I dedicate my life to you
                       Em                                     Am               C          D
You know that I would die for you, but our love would last forever
                G 
And I will always be with you
                     Em                                 Am        C             D
And there is nothing we can't do, as long as we're together

        C                       G                       Am               D
I've built my world around you and I want you to know
   C                            G                   Am          D
I need you, like I've never needed anyone before

G  D       C          D         
I live my life for you
               C                 G                Am                 D
I want to be by your side in everything that you do
                        G            D                       Am        C
And if there's only one thing you can believe is true
Am C     D         G      C D  
I live my life for you

(guitar solo on chords of the verse)

        C                       G                       Am               D
I've built my world around you and I want you to know
   C                            G                   Am          D
I need you, like I've never needed anyone before

G  D       C          D         
I live my life for you
               C                 G                Am                 D
I want to be by your side in everything that you do
                        G            D                       Am        C
And if there's only one thing you can believe is true
Am C     D         G      C       D  Am C       D          Gsus7 G
I live my life for you wow, yeah I live my life for you

Pamamaalam (Part II)

Napansin namin na sa tuwing umiiyak si Cyrus, bigla na lang siyang parang nanggagalaiti at nagiging kulay blue. Kailangan siyang pakalmahin kapag umiiyak, para makapag-proceed. Sabi ni Daddy, paiyakin lang ng paiyakin hanggang lumakas ang baga. Eventually, that worked... nung mag-2 or 3 months na yata siya nun, hindi na siya nagiging color blue 'pag umiiyak... at naging singlakas na siyang umiyak ng Kuya Marky niya.

Cyrus loved milk so much. Nauubos niya ang isang malaking bote ng walang kahirap-hirap. At maya't maya 'yun. Siguro sa isang araw, average niya 10 bote. Malalaki 'yun lahat. Kaya lumobo siya ng lumobo. Eventually, a month just before he died, halos singlaki na niya ang Kuya Marky niya.

Cyrus started making talking sounds early, just like his Kuya Marky. 2 months din siya when he said his first word, "dede." (Marky's was "karga!"). Nung 3 months siya, nasasabi na niya ang "opo." Mas madaldal siya sa Kuya Marky niya. His favorite words were "aku" and "blahblahblah." (Marky went through the "aku" phase, but he never got through the "blahblahblah" phase) Often, he would also make sounds as if he were singing. May tono kasi. And then, 'pag pinakilala mo siya sa ibang tao, he would seemingly make "kuwento." I will never forget the last time I brought him out to talk to an old man. Nagkuwento siya with feelings, parang umiiyak pero walang tears. Tapos maya-maya, happy na ulit, then he motioned for me to take him somewhere else. That was just days before he died.

Cyrus was always observing. Gaya nung napansin ko nung bagong panganak siya, whenever he's in a new environment, whenever he woke up, and whenever he's about to sleep, magmamasid muna siya sa paligid. Basta kahit anong gawin niya, mag-o-observe muna siya. His eyes are deep and dark, maybe they make good observer's eyes. Whenever I sing, he'd observe. Whatever his Kuya Marky does, he'd observe. Whenever I talk to him, he'd observe. And whenever I'd put him to sleep, he'd observe first, until he finally falls asleep....

A month before he passed away, kusa na siyang nakakadapa. Gumagawa na rin siya ng effort to push himself forward. Earlier than Marky ito... si Kuya Marky niya kasi, parang tamad mag-effort na kumilos, tapos nagulat na lang kami nakakagapang at nakakatayo na pala. Si Cyrus, kitang-kita mo ang development. Kitang-kita mo 'yung milestones niya na step-by-step. Nakakatakot lang, kasi kapag nakadapa si Cyrus, bigla na lang niyang binabagsak ulo niya. Kaya, nauuntog siya.

Cyrus was always laughing and smiling. He would laugh to his Kuya's antics. He would laugh when Daddy tickles him. ('Pag si Marky kinikiliti, naaasar at umiiyak) He would laugh to anybody. But most of all, Cyrus loved kisses, especially when it's from me. I'm not saying this dahil nagyayabang ako; I'm saying this because this is what I have observed. He would smile and look so spoiled tuwing binibigay ko sa kanya 'yung special kisses ko for my sons sa kanyang cheeks. Kapag nauntog siya, hilot lang ng konti, tapos 'pag kiniss ko na, OK na, hindi na siya iiyak.....

Pamamaalam (Part I)

Hindi ko alam sa umpisa na buntis ako. Basta ang alam ko lang, nagkakasugat ako at kung anu-ano sa balat ko nung mga panahong 'yun. Kung anu-anong gamot nainom ko, matanggal lang ang sakit. Kung anu-ano ang naipahid ko sa balat ko, gumaling lang 'yung sugat.

Nung magkaroon ako ng hint na buntis ako, I was fighting with my husband. He threatened to leave the house. I was more than willing. Marky was crying and hugging me. He's kinda scared that his parents were fighting. I drank coffee. Lots of it. Then I felt something in my womb. Something like a swimming creature in it. I remembered wishing na sana, hindi ako buntis para mas madali kong iwan ang ama nila. Kung buntis man ako, OK na rin, kakayanin ko ng mag-isa. Then, their dad suddenly came knocking on the front door, begging to go inside. Hindi siya umalis, tinotopak lang pala. Then, I forgot all about the swimming in my womb.

2 months na 'kong delayed. Bumili na si Daddy ng pregnancy test kit. I tested positive. Mixed emotions 'yung naramdaman ko. Merong parang "HUWAAATT" kasi nga wala pang 1 year old nun si Marky. Meron ding tuwa kasi magkakaroon na ng kalaro si Marky na nandito lang sa bahay... hindi na niya kakailanganin pang lumabas.

Nung buntis ako kay Marky, sobrang ayoko mag-ayos. Nahihilo ako sa amoy ng pabango, pulbo, kahit deodorant. Pero napipilitan na lang ako kasi siyempre, nagtatrabaho ako. Pero itong time na 'to, ang hilig-hilig kong mag-ayos. I discovered makeup and started wearing it every time I go out. I also dressed very girly, hilig kong mag-ayos talaga nun. Akala tuloy namin noon, babae ang dinadala ko.

Ultrasound at 6 months. It's confirmed --- hindi siya girl, kundi another boy. May kaunting hinayang, pero sige, OK na rin. I'm pretty sure he'll look good, kasi ang hilig ko nga nun mag-ayos. Torn pa kami nun kung anong ipapangalan sa baby. Daddy wants something like Marco... sa 'kin, OK lang kahit ano. Finally, we decided to name him Mark Cyrus.

November 20, 2011, 4:18pm. After almost 20 hours of excruciating labor, Cyrus was born. Normal delivery siya, pero it's not entirely normal. Sobrang tagal ng sakit sa bandang likod ko. Nararamdaman ko na ang tagal niya dun. Sigaw ako ng sigaw, "Ayoko na, ayoko nang magkaanak muna!!!" Nung lumabas siya, he didn't cry. Pero walang sinasabi ang doktor; ipinatong lang sa tiyan ko 'yung baby. I reached out to check kung OK siya. I was warned not to touch him. I saw him there, hindi siya umiiyak, pero parang nag-o-observe lang sa paligid. Tapos, he was cleaned. But it didn't end there. Hindi na 'ko nakakaramdam ng contractions, pero hindi pa lumalabas 'yung placenta. Tarantang-taranta sila. Hila sila ng hila sa matris ko... feeling ko nun, lalabas na rin buong matris ko sa katawan ko. Eventually, natanggal nila 'yung placenta. Nang hiwa-hiwalay. Nakaramdam na 'ko ng hindi magandang nangyayari. Nabasa ko somewhere na 'yung placenta must be brought out in one whole piece. Tapos hindi pa umiyak 'yung baby. Pero after 2 hours yata 'yun, umiyak din siya dahil gutom na. Ngatngat na ng ngatngat sa mittens niya....

Sosyal ang ward ko nun. Aircon, solo kami ni Cyrus. But Daddy refused to allow me to breastfeed him, kahit feeling ko basang basa na nipples ko nun. They bought a little bottle outside and fed him formula. Dapat pala, sinunod ko ang instinct ko....

We were advised na ipa-newborn screening siya, but we didn't kasi Daddy said 'wag na, dagdag-gastos lang 'yan. Nung unang bakuna niya sa health center, inadvise din kaming ipa-newborn screening siya. Pero Daddy still refused. Sunod naman ako ng sunod. Dapat pala, sinunod ko ang instinct ko....