I just wanna go back home to a husband and my kids.
Baby Bunching-Bunching has been making eerie appeals lately. I told my mom. Of course, she wasn't too glad about it. No question about my wanting for us to be a family again. Who doesn't want their kids to have complete parents? But he's not exerting every effort possible for us to go back home to him. Nevertheless, I was already willing to exert every effort possible for us to go back home to him.
I fell asleep... and then, it struck me hard. REALLY hard. He's just gonna go with the flow. If we go back home to him, fine. If we DON'T, it will also be fine with him. I WAS the only one not fine about it. Marky will be fine without his dad... at least, for now.
The game plan? We WON'T go home unless he comes to fetch us. I'll wait... even if it takes forever. If Marky goes to school and he's still not fetching us, then maybe I'll just call or text him to attend those events where dads might need to attend. I just really wanna make sure that he REALLY loves me. So tired of the days when I was the blind lady doing everything for him. Guess he needs to prove that he REALLY WANTED us to be family. I'm so tired to just be present because I was with the flow. What if I wasn't? Would he go against the flow? Would he go through uncharted waters just for me?
I know when he gets to read this, he'll think that I don't understand him AGAIN. He'll think my mom is brainwashing me or anything. But no... nobody's telling me what to do this time. Remember, my mom got angered when I told her I wanna go back home to him? But this time, I don't care who's gonna get mad... I'm just gonna swallow my own damned pride and feelings....
So, what do I really want to happen? Here goes:
> I want us to be a family again, with our own abode, with our own means
> BUT, he needs to prove that he also wants us to be a family again, by all means
> No matter how long it takes, imma wait for him. If he fetches us, no matter what the circumstance, we'll go with him.
> If he doesn't fetch us, then it's time to focus on building a brand new home for me and my sons (yes, even that little angel we have in heaven). I don't wanna live forever in my childhood abode. I want to someday have a home where there's only me and Marky (and Cyrus), where I can cook the meals like I used to, where stuff will be organized as I want them to be organized, and where we'll follow schedules as I want them to be followed.
> Then, there's hoping that when we finally get to live in our own home, he will follow suit (he'll always be the dad of my kids and the man I'll love forever, after all)
So help me, God.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Homesick
Not yet done with my "Pamamaalam" series... but a lot has already happened.
Words that have been so carelessly said brought forth our separation. Now, I'm back to my childhood abode... with my son, Marky.
I kinda knew this was what our fallen son, Marky's late baby brother, had wanted... but apparently, not any more. It seems as if Cyrus didn't really want us to leave that house.
Indeed I missed our home. Admittedly, my childhood abode doesn't feel like home anymore... I feel more crazy there, more depressed, and more lazy.
I missed MY own cooking. I missed knowing where to find this or that around the house. And yes, I missed our big bed. I knew Marky missed them, too, though he seems to be enjoying, at the moment, living in a house with a bigger space.
In my childhood abode, I don't have to do the cooking because food's already cooked when we wake up. But really now, though I love my mom so much, I'm not always contented. Marky seems to be, too. Bumabawi lang sa multivitamins.
In my childhood abode, the CR is, well, dirty. That's to take it lightly. Every time I bathe or use the toilet, I always get the urge to pour Zonrox full-strength in the bowl. Most unfortunately, I have had loose bowels ever since we transferred home.
My husband has moved back. I wanted to, too. We have already made amends. They haven't yet with my parents. I know that's kinda wrong, but hey, to be really honest, I want - and need - my son to eat MY cooking, to do his bowel movements in a CLEAN environment again, and to be able to sleep in a BIG bed again.
Never mind the wide space. I'll do all I can to have the strength to bring him out on sunny mornings everyday. I need to make sure I wake up earlier now, so I'll get food cooked earlier, too.
Oh, Lord. Please help me decide. And then, please give me the courage to carry it out. And finally, please give the people around me the openness to accept whatever my decision will be.
AMEN.
Words that have been so carelessly said brought forth our separation. Now, I'm back to my childhood abode... with my son, Marky.
I kinda knew this was what our fallen son, Marky's late baby brother, had wanted... but apparently, not any more. It seems as if Cyrus didn't really want us to leave that house.
Indeed I missed our home. Admittedly, my childhood abode doesn't feel like home anymore... I feel more crazy there, more depressed, and more lazy.
I missed MY own cooking. I missed knowing where to find this or that around the house. And yes, I missed our big bed. I knew Marky missed them, too, though he seems to be enjoying, at the moment, living in a house with a bigger space.
In my childhood abode, I don't have to do the cooking because food's already cooked when we wake up. But really now, though I love my mom so much, I'm not always contented. Marky seems to be, too. Bumabawi lang sa multivitamins.
In my childhood abode, the CR is, well, dirty. That's to take it lightly. Every time I bathe or use the toilet, I always get the urge to pour Zonrox full-strength in the bowl. Most unfortunately, I have had loose bowels ever since we transferred home.
My husband has moved back. I wanted to, too. We have already made amends. They haven't yet with my parents. I know that's kinda wrong, but hey, to be really honest, I want - and need - my son to eat MY cooking, to do his bowel movements in a CLEAN environment again, and to be able to sleep in a BIG bed again.
Never mind the wide space. I'll do all I can to have the strength to bring him out on sunny mornings everyday. I need to make sure I wake up earlier now, so I'll get food cooked earlier, too.
Oh, Lord. Please help me decide. And then, please give me the courage to carry it out. And finally, please give the people around me the openness to accept whatever my decision will be.
AMEN.
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